Numb
by redlollypoplips
Summary: One shot about Alicia's struggle over Will's death. Disclaimer: I do not own TGW.


**Numb**

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><p>Alicia's back felt cold against the bedroom door but she didn't move. She was alone, which was the usual these days. She had turned off all the lights and sat in the darkness; it perturbed her but soothed her at the same time. The midnight blue curtains were open just enough to let in a sliver of the pale moonlight which pierced her tired eyes. The days had seemed to be getting longer and she struggled to get much sleep at all these past months.<p>

Her red lipstick was almost all rubbed off as she had reached for the last cigarette from a pack of ten. Right after _it_ happened she had taken it up again. She hadn't smoked since college. But old habits die hard. Placing the thin white cigarette in between her lips, she sucked in its sweet smoke. The thick swirls of smoke rippled though the room, making her head turn and her wet eyes water. Slipping off her black heels, she stretched out her legs before retrieving a glass of red from the table beside her and looking out into the blackness; into the nothingness that was now her life.

The thick red alcohol running through her body, pumping at her temples made her feel an emptiness that she had tried to keep buried, but that had not been forgotten; that would always persist within her. As the months after Will's death had gone by, the hole in her bleeding heart had seemed to have grown larger instead of healing. As she felt the last contents of her third or maybe fourth glass of wine trickle down her dry throat, she placed the glass down on the wooden floor beside her feeling her hand tremble and cupped her face.

Tears, like lemonade poured out of her, stinging the sides of her almond eyes and streaming down her burning cheeks.

_She missed him so much; like the night sky would miss its golden stars._

God knew that she had punished herself time and time again for making the choice to go with Cary and leave Lockhart/ Gardner. She knew, when she was being brutally honest with herself that she wasn't the person everyone thought she was. She wasn't confident or brave. If she had been she would have told Will that _he was the love of her life; her soul mate_. She would have brought him close to her and hugged him, feeling his gentle hands slide tightly around her back. And as his embrace warmed her body, she would have brought her lips up to his ear and whispered softly to him.

_"I will never let you go."_

And as he kissed the porcelain skin on her neck he would reply, his voice sweet and filled with love, "Alicia. Even if you one day wanted to, you couldn't. Because _we are one_."

Alicia's eyes opened wide as a sharp pain hit her hard in the chest, twisting at her sore heart. And as she felt her rib cage tighten around her chest, all she could see was his lovely face staring at her. His light brown eyes burning into her now onyx eyes, his smile pulling her deeper into this illusion that she knew wasn't going to last much longer. And though the pain grew stronger, she did nothing to lessen it, because it was worth it to remain a few more minutes with him.

Her throat seemed to be closing up as her breathing increased and all she wanted to do was rest her head on the hard floor boards and close her eyes so that she could imagine them together for one last time.

"Will..._Will_...I will always _love you_," she spoke her voice trembling.

She reached out at the image but, when she tried to touch his face, the air, like sand, just sifted through her fingers, making her boil with a deep anger. And then the realization finally set in that she would never see him again, never touch him, never talk to him. And with all of her might she picked up the glass off the floor and threw it hard at the wall. As it hit, the noise of the glass shattering pierced her ears, numbing all her senses, making her place her hands over them and curling her legs up to her chest.

And in all her rage she wanted to scream out into the darkness.

Instead she sat rocking herself in silence because she knew it wouldn't make a difference.

No one would ever hear her.


End file.
